I Do
by jenbachand
Summary: Something in the mail overwhelms Grissom and brings back memories. Angsty Songfic based on Jude's "I Do". Carries a hankey warning. Thanks to Mingsmommy & Losingintrnslatn for the betas.


TITLE: I Do  
AUTHOR: jenbachand  
PAIRING: Grissom/Sara, Greg/Sara  
RATING: Teen  
SPOILERS: Somewhat through current season, but as I'm boycotting until I get my happy ending, it's based on summaries of episodes.  
DISCLAIMER: I made no money from the writing of this fic.  
SUMMARY: Something in the mail overwhelms Grissom and brings back memories.  
NOTES: A gazillion years ago someone suggested Jude's _I Do_ as a good songfic for angsty GSR. As I wasn't in a place for it then, I kept it in my mind, but here it is. It carries a hankey warning, as mingsmommy told me it made her weepy when she looked it over. Thanks to losingntrnslatn for the second read through.

* * *

After the trek to the mailbox in the oppressive Las Vegas sun the cool air of his house was soothing. Sorting through the mail was never a pleasant job even on the best of days. Bills, bills, junk mail, what looked to be another alumni donation letter, but the texture of something different was a surprise amongst the usual trash. The heavy cream parchment captured his attention.

_I got a letter today  
An invitation  
And the writing looked like you_

The neat scrawl which had been present in his life for so many years, though absent now, was carefully written in a most formal and tidy script "Dr. Gilbert Grissom." He slipped a finger under the wax seal and pulled out a smaller envelope with "Griss" written in the loopier casual writing he had first encountered in his lecture all those years ago.

_  
Hello how are you and by the way  
Please RSVP I do _

The pleasure of your company is requested  
at the marriage of  
Miss Sara Sidle

As the invitation slipped out of his hand, a small piece of lighter stationery fluttered out of the envelope and landed by the heavy paper that had seemingly slammed a door shut on a chapter of his life. For all that it was the paper might as well have been toxic waste, though he might be more inclined to pick up the waste. But he couldn't find the strength to move to retrieve the papers off of the gleaming hardwood floor.

_  
I thought of writing sad words of how it used to be  
But I didn't want to bring you down, no  
I guess the bells will ring pretty well there without me  
Don't worry 'bout me baby I'll wear the thorny crown  
I will play the clown  
_

He left the living room pulsing with emotions. Anger, hurt, despondence, it was hard to say which one was the strongest.

He filled up Hank's bowl and let his only companion inside the house. He watched the dog drink from the bowl and remembered the day he and Sara brought him home from the shelter. Hank was wild and excited and drooled all over everything, but Sara had just laughed off the dog's enthusiasm. At least until a large drool spot showed up on her silk duvet. She had then grudgingly accepted Grissom's suggestion of keeping a supply of rags around the house for wiping up their new friend's slobber.

Hank had been a faithful companion to them both, and when she left them the second time, he thought they would both die of broken hearts.

Grissom had been so angry then. Angry with Sara. Angry with Warrick. Angry with the undersheriff. Angry with work. Angry with the universe.

But mostly he had been angry with himself. For not following her when she left the first time. For not listening to her pleas to escape with her for a while, and most of all for letting his work take precedence over his love for her.

_If you think that I don't love you, you're just wrong  
And that don't matter now anyway  
I couldn't bear to see you up there with a white dress on  
Here's my vow to you  
I'll stay away  
_

When the tick of claws against the floor indicated Hank had started towards the living room, Grissom followed, and before the dog could drip all over the invitation, Grissom picked all the paper up from the floor. But Hank still seemed to catch Sara's scent from the invitation, "that Sidle Scent," as Greg had called it, and the dog let out a small whimper.

Thinking of Greg brought up another memory that happened shortly after Sara's second departure. He had been surprised to find Greg's resignation on his desk, and when he asked the younger man about it, Greg's simple response had nearly driven Grissom over the edge that night. He looked up at Grissom and plainly said, "Well, someone here needs to not be an emotional cripple and go after what he loves."

He'd often wondered if it was a challenge Greg issued that night; if it was, it was one he was too cowardly to act on, and so he let Greg go. Another loss in his life, yet he couldn't let his work go, couldn't let go of the constant in his life, and eventually his semi-new team, and the training that went with it, helped heal the stings on his heart.

_I remember when in a lover's whisper you said  
No other man would ever share your bed  
Well we both know that's not been so  
And I wish I'd never let you go now  
You found a better man instead  
_

His life had never been as full as it was with Sara. She was vibrant and caring and so very real. She was so full of pain and sorrow, but also an enormous capacity for love, and she had cared for him. Sara was the first person to truly take care of him since he had left his mother's home so many years ago.

The first time they had made love, she had been beautiful, with tousled curls and glowing skin. It made him wonder why he had been such a fool to turn her away for so long. As they drifted off to sleep he heard her "love you," in a pained whisper, as if saying it out loud would drive him away, and he, being the emotional coward he was, didn't say anything in return, instead feigning sleep.

_I wish you health and wealth and a white house on a hill and I  
I hope you raise a family  
Little boy and a little girl, a little more joy in this little old world  
Well, that'd be enough for me  
_

They were getting married on a beach at sunset. It made sense. Two California natives returned to the bosom the Pacific. He wondered if they would wear shoes or exchange vows barefoot in the sand. He wondered if they would live close to Greg's mother. Wondered if Sara would want kids. He had told her once that he had never had any desire for children in the past, and though she never said anything in response, he wondered if she took that to mean he didn't ever want any.

He should have worshipped her and told her how blessed he would have been if they ever had children together. How their children would have been brilliant and beautiful and he would have been the luckiest man on earth for them.

Greg would be a good dad, probably already made a better fiancée then Grissom ever had, and would be a good husband to Sara; always putting her first. That was something that Gil Grissom regretted not doing every day that she had been a part of his life.

_Time rolls on  
And dreams they die  
And I've thrown out the pictures I had of you and I  
And if you're ever wondering if love can be true  
Well, think of me and remember darling like I, like I do  
_

After Sara left, and Greg followed, Grissom knew things had changed. That she wouldn't be coming back, so he cleaned house. Giving away nearly everything that reminded him of Sara, even Hank's bed that she had made herself. He replaced everything with something new and sterile and without the color she had brought into his life.

It didn't keep the memories of her from creeping in, but the triggers had been minimized. He considered selling the place, but about that time the real estate bubble burst, and he didn't really cherish the idea of a capital loss. And eventually Hank quit whining at the door when Grissom showed up alone.

He took a seat on the sofa, the one piece of furniture Sara had picked out that he had kept. She always had better taste than him in furniture, because she chose it for comfort and not just because it looked good.

As he read over the note that had fallen out of the invitation, he noted the joy in her writing, loopy flowing words and cheery wording, and realized that the two of them genuinely wanted him at the service, but understood if he couldn't make it. They had both signed it and Sara had jotted the little butterfly that had adorned the many notes she sent to him before moving to Las Vegas.

_Old friendships fade away, love falls apart  
And you've not spent a single day outside my heart  
_

He thought of her daily. Of what she was doing, what she looked like these days, whether she was happy or not.

She would always be his one true love, even if she would be someone else's wife.

As he headed for bed, he tossed the invitation in the wastebasket in the bedroom vowing to send them a nice check with his regrets. Another regret added to the list.

_But, there's just one more dream that I have left for you  
I hope you're smiling when he turns around and says I do. . .  
I do  
I do  
I do  
I do_


End file.
